Confronting Mommy Guilt: Steps to Overcome and Build Resilience
After engaging in conversations with members of my mama community, I discovered two prevalent issues that many individuals struggle with. The first concern revolves around the perpetual battle to find enough time for everything while maintaining a sense of balance. Recognizing the significance of this topic, I will be dedicating an entire series to discussing effective strategies for achieving a harmonious lifestyle. The second matter that emerged from these discussions is the phenomenon known as "mama guilt." This deeply ingrained feeling is often misunderstood by those who do not have children and our husbands. As mothers, we experience guilt in almost every aspect of our lives. Whether it's diverting our attention towards our business and neglecting quality time with our kids or feeling remorse for indulging in personal self-care activities like getting our nails done, the guilt seems never-ending. We even blame ourselves for providing our children with processed foods or not devoting enough time to their schoolwork. The list of sources for this guilt is seemingly infinite.
Let's take a moment to reflect on our own experiences and identify the aspects that often trigger feelings of guilt when it comes to our children. Today, we will delve into this topic and explore various coping mechanisms and healing techniques to help us overcome this relentless cycle. I want you to take a minute and write down the five things that make you feel guilty. I’m going to teach you how to reframe those and some coping and healing mechanisms you can use to stop this madness. However, I must emphasize that I am not a therapist, so please take this advice with a grain of salt. If it resonates with you, that's fantastic, but if it doesn't, that's okay too. Each individual will find their own unique path to navigating mama guilt, and I hope that some of the insights I provide will shed light on your personal journey.
Now, let's dive in and explore what exactly mama guilt entails. According to research therapist Brene Brown, the felling of guilt is the focus on behavior where shame becomes about feelings of the self. This concept can be quite heavy to digest, but let's take a moment to absorb it. For instance, feeling guilty about not breastfeeding long enough is associated with a behavior or choice, while the resulting thoughts of being a bad mom or failing our child become the manifestation of shame. These falsehoods fuel our self-judgment as mothers, leading us to constantly compare ourselves to others and believe that we are falling short or could be better. Can you relate to any of these experiences? I certainly can. I am writing this not because I have conquered mama guilt, but because I am still a work in progress. I hope that the lessons I share can resonate with you, as we should not be living in this place of guilt. In fact, it is often a lie that we tell ourselves 90% of the time. These lies become deeply embedded in our subconscious minds, distorting our thoughts and leading us to become our own harshest critics. We may even experience physical ailments as a result. While mama guilt may not be the sole cause of these mental issues, it can certainly manifest in these ways, accompanied by negative self-talk and a gradual decline in self-worth.
Furthermore, we devote substantial amounts of time and energy on social media, constantly feeling guilty about the moments we don't spend with our children. To compensate, we overcompensate by posting every single activity we engage in with them, attempting to prove our worth as good mothers. I confess that I, too, have fallen victim to this behavior. However, this constant comparison and addiction to social media can become a never-ending black hole.
Let's explore a few more examples. Some of us may overdo or overschedule our lives, believing that by doing more, we can push away the guilt. We treat it like a bandaid, hoping it will cover up our feelings of guilt and eventually fade away. However, this behavior often leads to burnout, exhaustion, and even physical illness. Alternatively, addictive behaviors can emerge as a result of mama guilt, such as turning to substances like alcohol or drugs or engaging in excessive spending to seek temporary relief. Perfectionism is another common response, where we strive to appear flawless, even if we are far from it, in the hopes of avoiding judgment from others. Ultimately, our fear as mothers stems from the belief that we are not good enough compared to someone else. We worry about being judged for giving our children pizza instead of a nutritious meal, for not providing them with the best education money can buy, or for not taking them on as many trips as other families. Do any of these resonate with you? Throughout my 22 years of being a mom, I have certainly experienced each one of these emotions at some point. I want you to know that feeling mama guilt is nothing to be ashamed of. There is no need for guilt when it comes to struggling with mama guilt itself. I firmly believe that 100% of mothers experience it to some degree. It arises from our immense love for our children and our genuine desire to be the best mothers we can be. However, this love and intention can quickly transform into something that harms us, affecting our parenting abilities as well as our physical and mental health.
As mothers and female entrepreneurs, it is time for us to release this burden and open up about our experiences. Mama guilt is a topic that is often overlooked and not adequately addressed. We need to rise together and put an end to this madness.
Today, I want to share some strategies to help you cope with and overcome mommy guilt. The first step is to acknowledge and accept these feelings. According to Brene Brown, empathy is a powerful antidote to guilt and shame. So, when you feel these negative emotions mounting, take a deep breath and reflect on why you are feeling this way. Allow yourself to feel vulnerable and let these emotions rise to the surface. Then, respond to them with loving kindness and acceptance. It's essential not to bury these feelings because they will only manifest in negative ways. Instead, embrace them and practice self-love.
The next step is to inspect and rewire your guilty thoughts. Take a moment to ask yourself why you are feeling guilty and whether those reasons are valid. Let's work through three common examples together. 1. When I spend too much time on my business I’m ignoring my kids and they are suffering. 2. I’m about to take a trip without my children. Something bad will happen and everything will fall apart. 3. I work outside of the home and I shouldn’t. I am leaving my children behind and I am a bad mom. Have you had any of those? I have had all of these at one point in my life. They can produce a lot of mommy guilt.
The next step is to inspect those guilty thoughts. I want you to inspect the five things you wrote down at the beginning of this. Now after that ask yourself if the reason is valid, yes or no?
The first one is feeling guilty for spending too much time on your business and neglecting your children. In some cases, this guilt may be valid. If that's the case, find a solution. This is easy to do for me because I absolutely love working. It lights me up. It is something I think God has put inside of my soul to do. And to be a leader and to go out and impact and touch lots of mamas all across the world to step into their potential. I truly love it. I wake up with passion and I think about my business all the time and its easy for me to get into obsessive overworked mama mode. If I’m spending too much time on my business I’m going to take a weekend off 100% and pour it into my kids with focus, time and attention. So be careful not to bury the guilt because this can be such wonderful insight into what you can change.
The second scenario is feeling guilty about taking a trip without your children. In my opinion, this guilt is not valid. When the answer is no then you have to reframe it. The kids will love being with grandma, I deserve a break, I am going to love every minute. When you find a reason that is not valid and more often than not they aren’t valid guilty feelings. Use affirmations to help you. “I am so blessed to have this trip to renew myself and renew my soul and refill my cup so that I can be a wonderful mom. I’m so happy that my kids will be safe and have a new memorable experience forever with people who love them.” We have to look at whatever is making us feel bad in a new way. It shouldn’t make us feel bad to take a trip without our children. It shouldn’t make us feel bad when we love work. We just need to find the balance.
The third scenario is feeling guilty for working outside the home. Again, this guilt is not valid. Reframe your thoughts and focus on how your work fulfills you and makes you a better mom. “I love working outside the home because I thrive and I truly enjoy it. Being happy and fulfilled makes me the best mommy possible. I’m so thankful that I am able to balance my time accordingly.” Recognize that relinquishing control and not being physically present at all times is okay. It's a common struggle for many moms, but acknowledging it is the first step towards letting go of perfectionism. For me, I have discovered it’s relinquishing control. I have a hard time letting go of physical control and not being physically present at all times. Most moms are A type and want to do all the things. We want to handle everything. Its a ridiculous idea of perfectionism and I know this is something I truly struggle with and you are not alone if this is something you deal with. But you have to recognize this. I know this is something I want to let go of. The best part of this is that I know the guilt isn't real. It’s just simply a thought. It could come from anywhere. For you it could be a resentment from childhood, your own subconscious fears that are bubbling up that have nothing to do with your children.
Lastly, remember that guilt is just a thought, and it may stem from various sources. It's essential to recognize that the guilt you feel may have nothing to do with your children, but rather with your own subconscious fears or past experiences. By acknowledging this, you can start to release the grip of guilt and move towards a healthier mindset.
Overall, coping with mommy guilt requires self-reflection, self-compassion, and reframing negative thoughts. Embrace your imperfections and focus on being the best mom you can be, without comparing yourself to others. Let go of the guilt and embrace the joy and love that motherhood brings. You are doing an amazing job, and your children are lucky to have you as their mom.
In conclusion, the first step in dealing with mommy guilt is to recognize it and take a closer look at the reasons behind it. Reflect on the five things you wrote down and determine if they are valid. While some may be valid, many of these guilty feelings are likely to be invalid. It's important to remember that everything has a solution, so if the guilt is valid, focus on finding a solution to address it. However, for the majority of guilty feelings that are invalid, it's crucial to reframe them with positive affirmations. Replace negative thoughts with empowering statements that remind you of your worth as a mother and the importance of self-care. Once you have reframed these thoughts, release them and let go of the unnecessary guilt that may be weighing you down.
Building resilience around mommy guilt will be our focus next week, so make sure to stay tuned. Remember, you are not alone in experiencing these emotions, and there are strategies and support available to help you navigate through them. Embrace self-compassion, celebrate your strengths as a mother, and let go of the guilt that no longer serves you. You are doing an incredible job, and your love and dedication to your children are truly admirable.